Beat of my Heart

Jamie

I’m doomed, and I have no one but myself to blame. 

But the minute Tristan came to me with his idea, I knew I wouldn’t, couldn’t, say no to him. Not only have we been best friends since we were kids, but he has also been through hell these past couple of years. I would do anything to make his life easier. 

So when he asked me to participate in the nation’s most popular talent show on TV, of course I agreed. Because winning would mean he could afford a lawyer who can actually stand his ground against the Farleys and support his parents financially.

Sounds just like what a best friend would do, right? And it is; give it a shot, see how far we can get, go back home with a great story if nothing else. So why am I doomed, then?

Because I’m an idiot who’s in love with his straight best friend. An idiot who’ll be sharing a room with him for the time we’re in the city during auditions, and for however long we’ll be in the competition. I’ll be spending even more time with him than usual. I have no idea how I’m supposed to survive it without my heart finally and utterly being broken; because Tristan is not only drop-dead gorgeous with his warm brown eyes, his square jaw with his trademark five o’clock shadow, and his soft, wavy dark-brown hair that makes him look just that bit softer so he doesn’t come across as too intense. No, he has so much more to offer than just his looks. He’s a devoted father to his little girl, a loving son doing his best to help his parents wherever he can, and he is one of the kindest men I’ve ever met. Admittedly, he’s quieter nowadays than he was even a year and a half ago, but with everything that has happened, who could blame him?

So once people get a look at him, hear even a fraction of his story? They’ll all fall in love with him, and it won’t take long for women to flock to him. He might say he doesn’t want to date, that he has other priorities right now, but we also come from a small town where most women who aren’t married yet are the ones who are just not looking to be a wife or mother because they are following other dreams. But I know somewhere out there is a woman who’s perfect for him. And, gosh, I want that for him, I do. It will tear me apart, but he deserves all the happiness in the world. 

That’s how I find myself sitting in an overcrowded hotel lobby surrounded by hundreds of other people going over their songs or magic tricks, stretching for their dance acts, or fussing over their outfits while I’m waiting for Tristan to come back with our registration forms. I’m not delusional, I know there are tons of talented people out there, and many of them are here and at other auditions like this. But I still think we have a chance. When Tristan first came to me with his idea, he pointed out that we’d have somewhat of an advantage because we’ve been performing together pretty much since we were kids. We know each other inside and out, we’ve had years to find what works for us, and even though it might sound arrogant, he’s right, we are amazing together on stage. More importantly, though, he has this aura around him, a magnetism people can’t escape. They’re drawn to him like moths to the flame. Point in case? As I’m tuning my guitar and looking for him, I can already see one of the producers following him with her eyes, taking a note on her clipboard. 

Not even five minutes later, we have a camera in our faces and are telling an abbreviated version of our story to the casting team. It won’t be aired right away (in fact, we might have to do it again, they tell us, in more detail), and we don’t play it up, but it’s easy to see the sparkle in their eyes. They all know they have an emotional gem right in front of them; people will love it, they’ll root for us, or more precisely, Tristan. And the way they study me? Yeah, they damn well know what he is to me; they’ve probably seen every one of my longing glances in his direction since we’ve arrived. How Tristan doesn’t see it, I will never know. I just know I will never tell him. Because as painful as it is to know he won’t ever love me the way I love him, it’s better than either seeing the regret in his eyes for not feeling the same and, in his eyes, letting me down, or losing him entirely because he gets the crazy idea that it would be easier for me to live without him in my life. So, yeah, I’ll deal with the pity in the producers’ eyes, I’ll deal with the quiet snickering of some of the other competitors, and I’ll deal with my heartache, as long as it means I can keep Tristan as my best friend. 

Not long after our interview, we’re led into a large conference room nearby where we’re asked to sing the song we’ve prepared. There’s no panel of celebrity judges for this very first open audition, but the cameras are already rolling. Some of what they record will be used for marketing, but most of it will never air. Instead, the producers will use the material to make sure they invite the right people for the actual auditions. 

They gave us two barstools to perch on, and as we get comfortable and arrange our guitars, Tristan looks over to me. He grins at me with his trademark grin, the one that makes his dimples come out and his eyes crinkle, the grin that he rarely shows these days. Now, it only comes out when he’s on stage, and on quiet days when he sees me. Knowing I’m one of the few things that can still make him smile is not helping me get over my feelings, and when he winks at me, it’s like a dagger to my heart. But I’m here to help him, and we’ve been doing this for so long and I love performing with him so much that it is the easiest thing in the world for me to smile back at him. 

“Ready to get us onto the big stage?” he asks with a cockiness that only comes out when he’s set up to entertain the crowd. 

“Yeah, let’s do this,” I reply, and we turn to the group of producers sitting in front of us. 

After a short round of greeting, they ask us what song they’ll hear from us. 

“We’ll sing our version of “Brother“ for you,” Tristan says.

One member of the production team raises an eyebrow at the mention of “our version” but we’re not worried. We haven’t gone crazy, we’ve just made it into a duet. The song was an easy choice. It works with both our voices, sure, but what’s more important, it perfectly reflects our relationship. Well, almost perfectly, because I see Tristan as anything but a brother, but yes, I know he would rescue me (and has in the past), and I would give my lungs to him without hesitation. We don’t come from the same blood but we’re family. No matter where life might take us, I know we’ll be together until the end. The duet makes it less dramatic than the original, or at least the music video, because we’re both still here. But the song still carries all the love between us, without being romantic. And I know Tristan doesn’t care what people think, but I was in favor of it exactly because of that, too. Even though he has no problem with me being gay, that’s not the reality for everybody out there. And losing votes because some people might have a problem with two guys singing love songs together is not something we can afford. 

With a nod from the production team, we strum our guitars and fall into the song. Singing together comes as easily as breathing to us. And, as always, it works. There’s always a moment, only a few seconds, when people need to adjust to hearing a different version of a song they know, but after the first few lines, the team smiles. They take notes, they move along with the melody. 

Once we’re finished, it takes them no time at all to tell us they want to see us in front of the judges. We thank them and slip out the door. 

Back in the hallway, Tristan pulls me into his arms. “Thank you, Jamie. I knew we could do it. You’re awesome for doing this with me,” he tells me as he tightens his grip and picks me up with a laugh. 

He has no idea what it’s doing to me to be this close to him, to be the object of the casual display of his strength, to smell the notes of citrus in his hair from his shampoo. 

“You’re my best friend, you know I’d do anything for you, man. And this is no hardship at all. We’re always singing together anyway,” I tell him. I do my best to make my voice sound normal, which isn’t easy because he’s still holding me tight, and my feet are still in the air. “Come on, put me down, T.” I even manage a chuckle. 

He lets me down, but still holds on to my shoulders. His eyes are serious when he answers me. “We haven’t been singing together for weeks now, not like this. And I know you being here means your uncle has more work to do than usual. I’m sorry about that, Jamie. You know I’m not taking all you do for me for granted, right?”

Man, those Farley bastards have done a number on him. Tristan has never been this insecure, this lost. I love that he trusts me enough to show his vulnerability and rely on me, but it hurts my soul to see the man who’s usually so full of life making himself so small. The situation with his parents is bad enough, but even that he handles with enough optimism and grace to carry all of them through it. But what the Farleys do to him borders on psychological warfare. I just know they will try to use what we’re doing now against him as well. But I won’t let them. 

“Of course I know that, Tristan. Come on, we’ve been joking about showing up to an audition like this since we were teenagers. A lot is riding on this, I know that, but this is pretty much the big adventure we’ve always planned, just a little later than expected.” It’s a silly thing to say, but I know that’s what he needs right now to get out of here with a smile on his face while everybody is still watching. 

I can see the moment he realizes what I’m doing, and there’s a spark of gratitude in his eyes right before the smooth mask of the entertainer - still friendly, still a good guy, but with a somewhat professional distance - slips into place. 

“Right, yes, this is our big quest. Okay, first things first, let’s get to our hotel. I need to call Maddie and let her know how it went.” His smile turns soft as soon as he mentions his daughter. 

“Yeah, let’s do that,” I agree before I reach out to squeeze his shoulder once, then turn around to leave through the lobby. The audition was held at a larger hotel, and we decided to rent a room at a place a few blocks away to save some money. Should we really advance through the next rounds, our budgets will be stretched thin by the expenses. Splurging on a better room early on is not a smart idea. 

I don’t need to look over my shoulder to know Tristan is right behind me. We’ve always been following each other.